Friday, January 25, 2013

A Righteous Desire

It's public information that at the end of the year I was pregnant with our third baby and at the beginning of 2013 the baby no longer had a heart beat and I had a D&C.  I feel as if I have been dealing with this very well.  Of course I'll talk about it and I'm perfectly fine with it, it helps me cope.  I have been going to the gym and trying to count my calories (calorie counting only began this week).  My goal is to run a 5k this summer and I have three so far I want to enter in.  We have a wedding to attend in June and I'm trying to lose ten pounds for that and if I keep up the rate I'm at it should be no problem.

Earlier this week, last Sunday, the loss of our baby hit me on the way to church and it did again today.  It truly is a righteous desire to have another baby, especially in our circumstances.  I LOVE children.  I literally yearn for another, as it burns in my heart and soul.  I would love one or two more and to get my husband to have that desire for one more was a miracle.  When we got pregnant we were elated and now there's nothing.

What strikes me at the heart of all of this is my husband and I don't talk about it to each other.  I'm more then willing to but he doesn't say anything.  I know it still pains his heart.  I only wish he had the gospel knowledge I have and believed in it then maybe it would be easier for him.  When I was worried about a miscarriage (due to bleeding) in the very beginning of my pregnancy I was reminded of something that was said in a blessing and I asked my husband with the slightest bit of faith he had to believe that.  He is atheist.  Now I worry he put all of his trust and energy in that and is once again angry at God.

I knew at the beginning this pregnancy would end.  I worried about it for a long time.  My blessing had mentioned having a healthy delivery and nothing about the baby.  Well, I delivered the baby and it was healthy for me.  I am not doubting that blessing at all, I just wish we had a healthy baby to accompany it.

I am very grateful for my two beautiful children.  Bradley (4) was unexpected and Amelia (2) is our rainbow baby (baby born after a miscarriage).  What our future holds for us I don't exactly know.  I do feel as if our family isn't complete yet but am more then grateful for what I have.  I read the following verse in Psalms and I will stick by it,  "But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more" (Psalms 71:14).

Pretending to understand why things happened the way they did isn't something I can live up to.  I can guess and speculate all I want and even though it's hard and sometimes I struggle I know Heavenly Father sees the whole picture and maybe it was His mercy having a miscarriage rather then something else.  Maybe one day I will feel like our family is complete.  Regardless I will continue to hope and praise Heavenly Father because he understands more then I can ever imagine.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Miscarriage #2

My second miscarriage was very different from my first.  I guess you can say this miscarriage happened on January 2nd or 3rd, 2013....but the complications started before then.

On December 25th my husband and I made the announcement to my family.  We were cooking a turkey in the oven and decided to put a hamburger bun in there as well.  Everyone was in the kitchen/dining area so we asked my dad, who was closest to the oven, to check on what was in there.  I asked, "Dad what's in there?"

"A turkey."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, a bun.  There's a bun in the oven."

My husband said, "Yeah, there's a bun in the oven...."

Simultaneously, my mom expressed a surprised, "Nooooooooo" (which we will probably pick on her for for quite some time) and my dad said, "You're pregnant?"  Or something along those lines.  

We gratefully expressed that yes we would be expecting baby #3, at the beginning of August and at that point I was around 8 weeks pregnant, I would be having my first doctor's appointment and ultrasound the very next day.  My family was very excited and my mom already making plans for coming up the end of July, beginning of August to help until the baby comes.

On the 26th, we went to the first ultrasound.  We were excited but I was a bit nervous.  I was thrilled my husband had agreed to a third child.  He previously hadn't wanted another but then the bug hit him.

As I was laying on the table the technician asked how many weeks I was supposed to be.  I told her the Internet said 8 weeks and 3 days but I honestly felt I was just 8 weeks that day.  She then asked if I ovulated late or had irregular cycles.  And I said normally I have 31 days cycles and not the 28 day cycle.  She said the baby was measuring 6 weeks 1 day.  I was nervous from that point on.  She gave us pictures of the little peanut and sent us back in the waiting room.  My husband was optimistic but I wasn't.  

When I was seen by the nurse practioner she was brutally honest, which I much rather prefer.  She said the baby was measuring small and asked if I was positive of the first date of my last period.  I said yes, it was an anniversary of someone we knew.  She then proceeded to tell us the baby's heart beat was low.  It could have been because the size of the baby was small and for measuring six weeks it could be just kickin' in.  She wanted me back another ultrasound the following week because she wanted to know if the pregnancy was viable.  I broke down and she gave me a hug as did my husband.  She then ordered a blood draw.

A nurse came in and took my blood, from my bad arm injured in a car accident over a year and a half ago.  The throbbing and pain would last days.

After the blood draw the nurse practioner came back in and went over what would happen next week and that I would need to come in again in two days for another blood draw to compare my HCG levels to see if they doubled.  I again began to cry and again her and my husband wrapped their arms around me.  She apologized to me and said she felt bad but needed to tell me straight and I told her appreciated that.  It is true I did appreciate that, I would rather have the brass honest truth then false information and false hope.

Friday I went back in with my two kids.  As soon as we walked into the office, for a nurse visit, Bradley told the nurse, "My mommy is going to have a baby."  My heart melted.  The truth was we weren't sure if it was possible.  The nurse I had this day was my favorite.  She too is straight forward and LOVES my kids.  She has taken them out of the room for me if needed for exams and keeps them occupied even while tending to me.  She commented on how much they have grown.  

The nurse stated my progesterone levels were normal but normal low, so they wanted to start me on progesterone pills, inserted vaginally.  She explained how they worked and my progesterone level was 8, normal is 5-50.  Progesterone is what keeps the baby "sticky in the belly" on the uterus.  She then took my blood and said to call the office around 2 and she would have the results.

When I had gotten home, 2:00 came and she called me first.  She said on Wednesday my HCG numbers were 16,131 and that day they were 16,586.  They only went up slightly but I was also at a stage when they may not double.  The only way to really tell was by the ultrasound.  

The days seemed to go on forever.  Wednesday finally came and after a few days of being down and out, I knew I didn't feel pregnant anymore and we lost this one.  My husband went through a similar experience a few days after me but we were both optimistic we would see that little heart beating again at this ultrasound.  

We went in and we saw our peanut again.  This time, laying lifeless, no heart, no flicker on the screen indicating a heartbeat, nothing.  It was now January 2nd and the new year wasn't starting out with the bang we hoped.  The technician said the baby was measuring 6 weeks 2 days.  I honestly feel like the week before I NEEDED to see that flicker to know all this baby needed was a body in this life before living with our Father in Heaven again.  Our little peanut lasted only one more day, that we could guess, just enough time to let his or her mommy and daddy know he loved us and tried his hardest to be with us.  I know we will see this baby again and once we go beyond the veil we will raise him or her.  

I of course shed tear of sadness and we set the date for a D and C the next day.  After picking up our kids, my best friend gave me a hug and said, "I love you."  I couldn't say anything back as tears welled in my eyes.  After I got in the car my husband went to his so he could go back to work and I let it all out, "I REALLY wanted this to work."  

"I know.  I did too."

I texted a few friends and let them know what was going on.  I can truly say I have the best friends ever.  As soon as I got home, flowers were showing up at the door, chocolate, more flowers, hugs, texts and just plain love and anything else my friends felt would comfort me.  We had plans for my kids the next day while I went to surgery.

The next morning was an experience if I ever had one.  Before sending our son to school, I told him the baby in my belly died and was going to live with Heavenly Father again.  Mommy had to go to the doctor and the doctor was going to take the baby out of my belly and bury it.  Bradley said, "Then you are going to come home with the baby?"  I told him no, the baby didn't live and was going to stay with Heavenly Father.  We sent our son off to school, I emailed his teacher and let her know what was said in case Bradley mentioned anything and then my husband took a shower.  While he was just getting in the shower, our two year old was playing with the iPad on the floor when our miniature horse (which is really our 120 pound chocolate lab), stepped on her hand. She began to cry and I hadn't seen what happened asked her what did happen.  She pointed to our dog and said, "Leo" through her tears. 

"Did Leo step on your hand?"


She came over and I held her as she coddeled her hand and asked for a blankie.  Asking for her blanket is not a good sign.  I had her grasp my index fingers and I tried to pull her up from laying down and she screamed in pain.  As soon as my husband was done with the shower I told him what happened and asked him to quickly get dressed.  I thought it may be broken.  While he was getting dressed I called the doctor and they said she needed to go the the ER or Urgent Care.  My husband tried to look at her hand but she screamed in agony.

We knew we would have to make some changes and fast.  He took her to urgent care while I tried to find a ride to the hospital an hour away.  I found a ride and then asked if they had a GPS....they didn't and mine was in the car my husband had.  I called my son's school said I needed to pick him up rather then him riding the bus, got a little hassle from the school about picking him up but figured I was being emotional.  I started the car, finished getting ready as much as I could, went and got him, got the GPS from my car at Urgent Care, dropped my son off at my best friend's house and went to get back into my husband's car when I noticed my cell phone was ringing.  It was someone I was not expecting but something told me to pick it up so I did.

"Hi Jen, it's Gwen.  Look Jan's car won't start so you don't have a ride to Syracuse.  I'm going to talk to my husband and see if we can't bring you."


That was about the extent of it.  My mind was racing.  I got back into my driveway when I noticed Gwen called me two other times and left me a text message, "We can take you please call."

I texted my husband to find out if he could meet me in Syracuse and he said yes.  I then called Gwen and she said they were on their way and I asked what I should pack.  She said nothing really, they give you everything as far as she knew.  

I then called Jan and talked to her for a minute and then headed out the door to meet Gwen.  We drove to Syracuse and I got a text message that Amelia's X-rays came back negative, which is great news.  A short while afterward I received a text from my husband saying he was on his way.  Gwen and her husband offered to stay with me but I said it was ok because Chris was on his way.

I was then taken into the back, allowed to use the rest room and then answered some questions and told to get undressed and into a hospital gown, opening in the back.  I could leave my socks on.  

Shortly afterward a nurse came in and started my IV.  It was saline solution with sugar.  She also gave me a warm blanket, right out of the dryer/heater thing.  I LOVED it!  She then went looking for my husband but couldn't find him yet.  Shortly afterward he made it in.  We talked and joked and I told him I was scared.  He said it would be alright.  I quickly messaged someone who had just had a D and C a week earlier. 

The anestheiologist came by and asked and answered questions.  I would be having a twilight anesthesia.  I'd be mostly out but not really.  Most people don't remember anything.  I told her I didn't want to remember or hear anything.  She said I probably wouldn't.  She said they would give me some right before being wheeled into the operating room and by the time I got there some of the edge would be off.  

The doctor came in and explained the procedure and what to expect afterward.  

Shortly afterward a couple nurses came in and introduced themselves.  They would be in the OR with me.  They had to ask why I was there and I told them.  They apologized and I began to tear up again.  Finally one of them injected my IV with medicine and as we were walking down the short hall, I began to wonder when I would feel the effects of the medicine.  As the foot of the bed pushed through the doors I said, "You weren't kidding I would feel it shortly."  Things became foggy.  I remember them pushing my hospital bed to the operating table and I had to get myself on.  I then remember my legs going into stirrups (which I thought they were going into ropes that were hanging from the ceiling, clearly not so and I was out of it).  The last thing I remember was the curtain being hung over my chest.  I remember thinking this is close and I am going to feel claustrophobic.  

Apparently everything went well because I was now in what was a triage type area.  My vitals were being taken and a nurse was putting the hospital underwear on me.  She apologized for my procedure and I said it's ok.  I asked how I got back in my bed and she said I put myself back on there.  I have no recollection of that.  

I asked the nurse if she ever had a miscarriage and she said five and only birthed and raised one child.  Her last one she had a D and C.  I apologized to her and bore my testimony that I truly believe some babies are here long enough to just get a body and we will have the opportunity to raise them in the next life.  She got teary.  I was then wheeled to recovery.

In recovery I had toast with jelly right away and ginger ale.  I hadn't eaten since the night before and needed something in my belly.  My husband was brought to me and we hung out.  More vitals were taken, I was able to get dressed and within an hour after surgery, in the car on the way to Taco Bell.  I was exhausted and tried to fall asleep on the way home but felt like I was going to lose my nachos.  

It's been one day since the surgery.  I feel great.  I feel like I can recover much more effectively then the first time emotionally and physically.  I have very light spotting and have used three heat packs total and only taken a couple Motrin.  After surgery they offered me Oxycodone and something similar but I preferred Motrin.  If I do too much then I feel some pain but other then that I feel great.  If it came down to choosing between natural miscarriage or a D and C, I would choose the D and C again, no questions asked as long as they knock me out again.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Miscarriage #1

My first miscarriage happened in 2009.  My son was just about seven months old.  He and this baby were going to be 13 months apart.  Man this was going to be tough.  I had been worried this one would end in miscarriage for quite some time, but seeing how I was at the end of my first trimester, I felt safe and that maybe I was worrying too much.

My husband had gone out the night before drinking with his buddies and I wasn't pleased.  When he mentioned several people would be coming over for a get together on Saturday night, I wasn't the happiest pregnant woman around.  He said he wouldn't drink too much because he drank a lot the night before.

That night in March several people started to fill our first home.  I was cordial and beginning to have a good time.  I was playing poker with my husband's best friends mom and her daughter and a few others.  I excused myself to use the rest room and out of habit wiped and noticed a smear of bright red blood.  I panicked so I wiped again.  More blood.  I flushed the toilet and ran out, asking for my husband.

I told Chris what was going on and he was already a few drinks into the night.  He thought I was being dramatic and seemed annoyed in my opinion.  He began googling in the office and I called the doctor right away.  Within minutes the on call doctor phoned me back and they said I needed to go to the ER.  I was terrified.

I now had a house full of people and needed to go to the Emergency Room.  Fortunately there would be a babysitter for my baby.  I left her with Bradley and just so people wouldn't wonder what was going on, I made the following announcement, "I don't mean to be rude or anything but Chris and I are leaving, the doctor's think I may be miscarrying."

I was freaking out because I couldn't find my purse.  Someone found it for me and since my husband had already had a few drinks I drove us the 45 minutes to the hospital.  Once I was there I immediately was told to pee in a cup.  I was terrified to do so because I was afraid I'd see blood again but there wasn't any.  One of the nurses took several viles of blood afterward and then we waited.  I wasn't even in a room yet, just sitting there in the waiting room.  I was furious at my husband for drinking that night.

Shortly after waiting I was in a room for a short amount of time when I began receiving an IV of saline solution.  I was then taken to another floor, wheeled on the bed, to receive an ultra sound.  The technician was very specific that I was NOT to ask her any questions because she was not allowed to answer them then she proceeded to do a trans-vaginal ultra sound.  I saw the baby and did ask if she could even tell if it was a boy or girl yet, thinking that was ok to ask but she responded with, "I can't answer any questions."  I think I asked another question afterward and she gave the same response.  I looked at the monitor and saw the baby sitting there motionless.  There was no movement, no flicker of a heartbeat.  I knew then.

The technician left and I asked my husband what he thought.  His response was he thought the baby was sleeping, but I already knew, even though it wasn't confirmed yet.

Awhile later, back in my room, a doctor came in.  He didn't speak well english.  He told me something and I couldn't understand.  He then said it more clearly, "The baby's heart stopped.  It's not beating anymore."  I began to cry and then felt I had to be strong for my husband.  I looked over at him and I saw something I don't think I will ever forget.  He had puddles on his long eyelashes.

The doctor suggested surgery to remove the baby, but I said I just wanted to go home.  He tried again and I refused saying your body handles this naturally.  We drove home in silence that night.  When we arrived back at the house I went to the nursery and pulled our son out of his crib.  He slept between us that night.  Other rooms in our house were occupied with the babysitter and others who decided to stay.

The next morning I still wasn't bleeding or cramping.  I refused to go downstairs until everyone was gone.  A dear friend of mine, Rachael, came over with her husband.  I went down to visit with her.  She was my rock and the only one I cared about seeing.

On Monday I had to call my doctor's office and let them know what was going on.  They again asked me to come in for a D/C.  I said no again referring back to your body handling it naturally.  They gave me a time limit.  I had until Thursday or I would have to go in.  I agreed.  I had also "started" my second trimester.

It took a few day but I believe it was a Wednesday when I started to feel the cramping.  At first it started out as cramping like a period.  Then it intensified.  I took a Pamprin for pain.  They said I could take Tylenol or IBProffin or something, but I don't remember what.  The medicine did nothing for the pain that kept intensifying.  I went to the bathroom and there was blood, lots of it.  The pain was still intense.  I'd lay down in bed.  My husband came upstairs with our son to help.  Our boy didn't understand and was laughing.  I told my husband to put him in his crib.

I went to the bathroom again, more blood and lots of it.  My husband called the doctor's office.  They gave him a nurse to talk to.  The pain kept growing more and more intense and closer together, much like when I was in labor with my son.  I remember my husband saying the following, "I don't need a nurse I need to talk to a doctor NOW!  My wife is having a miscarriage."

I felt a pop and knew it was my water breaking.  It wouldn't be long now.  Then I felt the baby come out and maybe other things, I'm not sure.  The pain was gone now.  I wiped and laid down in bed.  My husband was still on the phone with the doctor's office.  They told him he needed to look through the toilet and bring the baby in when I came in later that day.

Going to my doctor's office my son was sitting in his carseat, my husband was driving and sitting between my husband and I was the only thing my husband could find for our baby to go to the hospital empty enfamil can.

At the office they gave me a pelvic exam and looked through the can.  The doctor asked if I was dizzy or anything and I said yes.  She sent me to the ER fearing I lost too much blood.  Turns out I didn't and I was in the ER for hours just waiting to be seen because they misplaced my chart.  Everything at that point was done.  I had visits every week afterward making sure my HCG levels went back to zero.  I was depressed for some time afterward and would cry often.  We took a break from pregnancy for a little while and about a year after the miscarriage found out I was pregnant with our sweet Rainbow Baby, Amelia.

I do believe that baby was not ready to come at that time.  The experience made me grateful for what I have and gave me an opportunity to help others and have an understanding of it all.  It was hard but I don't believe Heavenly Father would give us anything we couldn't handle.