It's public information that at the end of the year I was pregnant with our third baby and at the beginning of 2013 the baby no longer had a heart beat and I had a D&C. I feel as if I have been dealing with this very well. Of course I'll talk about it and I'm perfectly fine with it, it helps me cope. I have been going to the gym and trying to count my calories (calorie counting only began this week). My goal is to run a 5k this summer and I have three so far I want to enter in. We have a wedding to attend in June and I'm trying to lose ten pounds for that and if I keep up the rate I'm at it should be no problem.
Earlier this week, last Sunday, the loss of our baby hit me on the way to church and it did again today. It truly is a righteous desire to have another baby, especially in our circumstances. I LOVE children. I literally yearn for another, as it burns in my heart and soul. I would love one or two more and to get my husband to have that desire for one more was a miracle. When we got pregnant we were elated and now there's nothing.
What strikes me at the heart of all of this is my husband and I don't talk about it to each other. I'm more then willing to but he doesn't say anything. I know it still pains his heart. I only wish he had the gospel knowledge I have and believed in it then maybe it would be easier for him. When I was worried about a miscarriage (due to bleeding) in the very beginning of my pregnancy I was reminded of something that was said in a blessing and I asked my husband with the slightest bit of faith he had to believe that. He is atheist. Now I worry he put all of his trust and energy in that and is once again angry at God.
I knew at the beginning this pregnancy would end. I worried about it for a long time. My blessing had mentioned having a healthy delivery and nothing about the baby. Well, I delivered the baby and it was healthy for me. I am not doubting that blessing at all, I just wish we had a healthy baby to accompany it.
I am very grateful for my two beautiful children. Bradley (4) was unexpected and Amelia (2) is our rainbow baby (baby born after a miscarriage). What our future holds for us I don't exactly know. I do feel as if our family isn't complete yet but am more then grateful for what I have. I read the following verse in Psalms and I will stick by it, "But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more" (Psalms 71:14).
Pretending to understand why things happened the way they did isn't something I can live up to. I can guess and speculate all I want and even though it's hard and sometimes I struggle I know Heavenly Father sees the whole picture and maybe it was His mercy having a miscarriage rather then something else. Maybe one day I will feel like our family is complete. Regardless I will continue to hope and praise Heavenly Father because he understands more then I can ever imagine.
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