"Look at it as a Blessing"

I was having a great day, 22 almost 23 weeks pregnant (or around there), my house was getting cleaned up and quickly.  I had a family friend over who was gracious enough to help with the cleaning.  Things were perfect.  Chris, the kids and I were planning on heading to my parents' house in Buffalo that evening after he finished work.  There we would celebrate Bradley's fifth birthday, go to family day and watch the Buffalo Bills play (this was our kids first NFL game, even if it was pre-season) and my kids, husband and dad would be going to participate in the Color Run with me!  I was very excited about the weekend.  It was going to be perfect.

When Chris came home, it was the normal time, around 4:30.  I remember exactly what side of the kitchen he was on, by the vegetable sink, where our family friend was standing and approximately where I sat.

"I have some good news," Chris announced.

Our friend turned around and asked what it was.

I said, "This isn't good news."

Chris responded, "I got laid off today!"

"How is this good news?" Was all that could come out.  I started crying and thinking what to do next.  My doctor's appointments will start going to every two weeks followed by every week.


My "Atheist" husband tried to console me.  He sat next to me, after giving me and little break, and asked if I was ok.  Of course I wasn't ok.  What were we going to do?

He looked at me and said, "Look at this as a blessing."

How dare he say those words to me!  A blessing?  If he had been a church going man I may have not felt so hostile with his comfort.  I was furious he even said those words to me.

The economy is bad, people have been without jobs for months.  I had to leave.

I ran out the door to pick up dinner (we already planned on eating a $5 pizza that night).  I felt guilty for buying one.  I called my dad in tears and he just listened to me.  I had also sat in front of my best friend's house in tears, crying in her driveway.

Chris and I later talked about it in the car on the drive to my parents house.  I told him how he angered me saying those things.  I asked a ton of questions like, "Have you looked for another job yet?"  and "What do you plan on doing?"  "I don't want to have to move.  I loved our house and our friends."  Chris didn't want to move either.

Chris mentioned earlier in the evening I could get a job and I said who would hire a six month pregnant lady for a couple of months just to have her leave?  Plus I was selling as an independent consultant for Pampered Chef.  I could try and book more shows, but with a bad economy it is hard.

The first thing I did the next morning was call to set up an appointment for New York State Insurance for my kids, husband and myself.  I was able to leave a message with someone to make an appointment.  I also called our local WIC office and set up and appointment for myself and Amelia.  Bradley was already five so he didn't qualify.  Chris searched for jobs and worked on his resume.  We carried out our plans for the weekend as planned.  Friday night we went to Family Night with the Buffalo Bills and Saturday we ran/walked in the Color Run in Buffalo.  I felt a bit better after the weekend.

Within three weeks Chris got a new job.  It didn't start for another two weeks after that.  We didn't have to move, the company sent him away for a few days of training and he is doing his "normal" job as a software engineer.  He started at the end of September.  It was nice having him home to tell you the truth.  We took turns napping during the day, he finished my anniversary present (a farmhouse table), he worked on our house we own in Oswego, when he was home we swapped taking care of kids and bringing them to school.

It was still a struggle when we had to pay bills.  The struggle was not knowing if we would have enough to get by.  When we got his severance package it was a struggle to pay tithing.  I do and always have a testimony of tithing, but this was one of the first times (not the first but one of them) where the thought crossed my mind, maybe not this time.  The same thought happened when I had to pay it for selling Pampered Chef.

In the Old Testament it talks about paying your tithing.  It says "Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it" (Malachi 3:10).  How true that is.  Chris had a school bill that followed me paying tithing.  I was hesitant to open it.  I did and couldn't believe my eyes, I cried.  The balance due that month was $0.  We didn't owe one red penny that month.  We always had enough food for our bellies and blessing after blessing started pouring in.

After he started work we waited and waited for our first check.  Turns out Chris only gets paid once a month, at the end.  We struggled but thankfully listened to the admonitions of the prophets and had enough in our savings as an emergency fund.  Just about three months worth which got us through.  Now we are adjusting to one pay check a month.  I kind of like it because we are able to pay all our bills up front.

As we went over the healthcare plans, which started on his first day of work, and two days before my next doctor's appointment I started seeing more blessings that were happening.  We were covered.  I canceled our appointment for New York State Health insurance, because our new plan would be effective prior to when they would have us covered and now Chris had a job.  I also had called WIC and told them about the job and they allowed us to keep our WIC checks for milk and other things, I just wouldn't be able to renew them.  I was extremely grateful and humbled.

There are several parts to this where Chris was right, and I told him he was right, I needed to look at this as a blessing.  I was covered, he was covered and our kids were covered.  I was able to keep my doctors whom I love and my kids had to get a new pediatrician, which I was thinking about anyway.  Turns out we were able to FINALLY get into the office I had wanted to for three years!  They finally were accepting patients again.  And then there's more on the baby issue.  Chris is able to take ten days off once I have the baby and it's paid leave!  We aren't just talking about it being all at once either, we are talking about ten days, anytime he wants over the next twelve months after the baby is born.  Amelia's nursery school is covered under the new job and turns out insurance cost is going up in his old company by $200 a month for a family, we don't have to worry about that, and I'm hoping we don't need to.  When it's time to purchase a new vehicle we get it discounted, there's so much to be grateful for.  There truly are  many blessings and miracles that have come through all of this.  I am so grateful my  husband is so optimistic when I don't see it and humbled at the humility he can carry when the spirit it with him.  My biggest fear at the time was insurance and having the baby and all the appointments we would have prior to the baby being born and afterward because of his faith and motivation it helped me and it turns out....

My husband was right, "Look at it as a blessing."

Baby 3.0 and Random Thoughts

I am 36 weeks and 4 days...today I go in for my 36 week ultrasound to make sure the baby is not breach (I'm pretty sure the baby is because I have felt the baby having hiccups last night in my pelvis).  Regardless it will be exciting to see the baby again.  If you are thinking I can find out what the baby is there's a slight chance, but by now the baby is so big it will be hard to see and we are only a couple weeks away from the live show.  So why not wait?

We still don't have a boy name yet so any suggestions are welcome.  In preparation for the baby I tried to buy gender neutral clothes but clearly that is not what's in right now because they are hard to come by.  It's alright though, it's a small sacrifice for a big reveal.  I know some of my friends have wanted to do a gender reveal party for us, but I really don't want them to know first.  Maybe if we ever have a fourth, I'm thinking no fourth by the way.  When I went into labor with Bradley and Amelia after the head was out the doctors let Chris deliver the rest.  How amazing will it be when he discovers first what we created together and tells me.  I think I may cry with this one.  I didn't cry when the others were born, afterward I did when we had our alone time, just me and the baby.

There's something comforting in knowing Chris delivered our first two.  Rumor has it between your first and second baby labor is cut in half.  After my water broke with Bradley (and it broke at home, unexpectedly with no contractions beforehand), it was eight and a half hours before I saw his sweet face.  With Amelia my water was broken for me at the hospital and three to three and a half hours later, we held her.  I was advised this time, if it breaks at home and we don't think we will make the hour drive, call 911 or call a local hospital.  

I choose to deliver in Syracuse (about an hour away from our house) because the doctor's are amazing! I had Bradley in Syracuse (at Saint Joseph's) and had a great experience.  My provider had changed for Amelia so we had her in Syracuse (at Crouse) and I absolutely loved that experience as well.  My doctor's office is amazing.  When I take my kids with me, if I have to have a more personal exam they will take the kids out of the room and a nurse will entertain them.  Since Bradley is now in school, it's normally just me and Amelia.  She loves the doctor's office.  She even brings her Doc McStuffins doctor's kit or plays around with their equipment.  What I mean by that is they allow her to "take my blood pressure," when I get blood drawn they give her the bandaid to help with, last time they allowed her to find the baby's heartbeat and she had to tell me it sounded good and she measured my belly and told me the measurements.  I do have to say she is very darling too.  She will not be moved by needles and is right up there watching what happens, which is good because I don't wince or cry so she knows it doesn't hurt.  Over my summer appointments she would show up in a princess dress and her dress up princess shoes.  The doctor's office is only 45 minutes from my house which is only 15 more minutes from any reputable office around here.  

What else gives me comfort is after my last miscarriage they were right on top of things with what to take at the beginning of this pregnancy to prevent possible blood clots and progesterone to help keep the baby "sticky in my uterus."  I think the greatest comfort of all is my doctor, whom I was originally referred to.  I can see one of five doctor's in this practice but the one who delivered Amelia is the one I was referred to and she is LDS like me.  It gives me the greatest comfort knowing she will follow the spirit in her practice.  She even said when she knows a patient is having a difficult time she puts their name in the temple and she constantly prays for her patients.  I know without a shadow of doubt she felt the spirit when Amelia was born.  I was going to be sent home from the hospital (to the point they didn't even admit yet) and she said no.  Within the next half hour I was in a ton of pain, she was breaking my water and they were scrambling to do the paperwork to get me officially admitted.  

I had difficulty right to the end with Amelia.  This makes me nervous for this baby.  My heart rate and blood pressure had dropped significantly after the epidural and oxygen wasn't helping, I had to be injected with something that began with a z or x to get my blood pressure back up.  All of this made Chris very nervous and for me I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep.  Apparently it was low enough that if it went a little bit lower I would have been in a coma.  It was 62/30 or 60/32 something extremely low, I would have to check the post I wrote after Amelia was born to see what it was exactly.    They said I didn't have enough fluid or water in my system.  Before I get an epidural this next time to make sure I have two bags beforehand.  In the meantime I am drinking water as we speak.  With Bradley I never had a problem, but I also had more time.  And honestly after that hiccup I was fine.  Because of that though, I'm worried about getting an epidural so I'm contemplating doing it without one but the pain is very difficult.  I don't know what to do.  Pray, pray, pray.  

I want this baby to be born soon so I have a November baby.  Amelia is December 10th, this one is due the 15th, Chris is the 22nd and then it's Christmas.  November would be a great month, but whenever the baby is ready then that's when it will happen.  I'm comfortable waiting too.  Those are my thoughts and feelings.  I am so grateful for this baby already and the pregnancy is very easy compared to Amelia.  I already couldn't imagine life any different.

Lots to Say

It's been quite some time since my last post, in fact almost a year.  There has been a lot that has happened in that time.  I'm not sure where to begin.  My last post was called "A Righteous Desire" in which I spoke about my recent miscarriage.  I'm pleased to say I am officially nine months pregnant with baby 3!  Because Chris and I already have a boy and a girl we did not find out what we are having so delivery day is going to be fun.  We have agreed on a girls name but have nothing for a boys name.  At this point, because I adore the girls name we picked, I am hoping for a girl.

I love being pregnant this time.  It is going by easy.  Sure there have been some things that are less desirable like throwing up for weeks on end, but for the most part things are great.  The baby is moving well and likes to climb up my ribs.  I'm hoping the baby drops a little more so they can have a break.

I love feeling this little spirit move inside my belly and I adore that a couple nights ago Bradley was able to actually feel the baby.  He put his head to my belly and the baby kicked his ear.  He giggled and laughed and was just so excited about it all.  He said he has felt the baby before but I always questioned it and after his reaction the other night I know it happened.  Bradley wants a little brother and Amelia wants a little sister.  Bradley wants to name him Eno.....not really sure how to spell it, but it's cute regardless and we are definitely not naming the baby Eno.  If it's a boy Bradley made it very clear he wants him to sleep in his room.  If it's a girl, Amelia can have her.

I know both of my kids will be great siblings and big helpers.  Bradley is already asking, almost on a daily basis when the baby is going to come.  Amelia is obsessed with babies to begin with.  I'm a little worried she may smother the baby too much.

As for everything else, the quick update is.....Amelia is in pre-school.  She fights me on getting ready for it and insisting she doesn't want to go, but as soon as we are there, she could care less if I stuck around.  She is very excited when I pick her up and can't wait long enough to get in the car to show me her artwork or tell me about her day.  I love our one on one time and seeing how much she has changed and is changing.  She is very much a girlie girl.  Amelia loves to dress up in princess costumes EVERYDAY, she will change her outfit several times a day, she loves jewelry and makeup and of course getting her nails painted.  I have taken her with me to the salon a couple times when I get a pedicure and she will sit very still and let them paint her toes and fingers and clip and file her nails.  And she's a very cheap date.

Bradley is in kindergarten and it makes me sad how quickly he is growing.  He is the most polite and good little boy I know.  Don't get me wrong he has his moments but he is just a doll.  He is so very helpful and willing to serve, plus he is very in tune with the Spirit, which in turn helps me.  Bradley started a learn to skate hockey program which he loves.  Skating definitely came natural for him.  He's very active.  In school Bradley learned about filling and emptying buckets.  Everyone has an invisible bucket and when we do good things we fill buckets when we do mean things or ignore people that's called being a bucket dipper and it empties buckets, including your own.  This works well for us and we are able to serve each other more as a family and speak kinder words.  I cannot get over how much he has grown (or Amelia for that matter) and just what a sweet boy he is.  I'm so grateful Heavenly Father has entrusted us with him and and Amelia.

Chris started with a new company, Booz Allen Hamilton.  I'll post about that experience another time, that's my intent anyway.  I LOVE them.  He started in September and it's been working out well so far. Chris seems happier with this company and that's important to me.  He coached football for pop warner this year and is already bragging (as any dad should) that next year he will be coaching Bradley's flag football team.  He and Bradley need a countdown chain I think.  They are both excited.  It's fun having Chris home more.  After football season I always feel like I have to get to know him again, because he's gone all the time.  One of my favorite things is in the middle of the night, I feel him roll over and put his hand on my belly to feel the baby move.  And some nights this baby will MOVE when he does that.  I feel like our communication with each other is so much better then before and we are both much more "relaxed" in our relationship and supporting each other.  I am a lucky woman.  Don't get me wrong there are times I'm really upset with him, but that is normal and we try not to let whatever is bothering us cause a rift in our relationship and honestly I feel like it is so much better because of it.  There are times I will be upset and he will sit down and tell me to vent and let it all out, so I do.  What makes it that much more difficult for me is as he's listening I'm realizing the things I'm upset about (most of the time, not all) are trivial and what I really needed was for him to actively listen to me and show he cared, even if it's that I have to do seven loads of laundry in one day.  To top it all off Chris then comes at me with one of his hugs.  UGHHHH.....hugging it out but something about his masculine shoulders and arms which attracted me to him in the first place (and he is pretty buff - yes Chris if you are reading this, this is your plug to how buff you really are), there's something about when he gives me a good hug, a genuine hug, that takes away the rest of that anger and makes me feel safe and secure.  For me that's what I need at that moment and other moments.

Finally there's me.  I'm in my 9th month of pregnancy and loving it.  I have been through so many struggles this year from physically to spiritually and everything in between.  More on those struggles on a later post....if I remember.  I started selling Pampered Chef, so if you like cooking/baking and want some products I'm your girl!  I LOVE being an Independent Consultant for them.  I just hope after the baby comes I still have that desire.  I have a calling in the Young Women's Program at church and anytime I start doubting it (me being in the calling I am), I receive a confirmation (normally from one of the girls or their parents) why I am there.  This calling has been a struggle for me in some aspects (I don't feel crafty or creative enough - heck in high school for a regents exam I literally got caught up in tape and couldn't get out of it, which was humorous for the teacher watching).  Other then that I'm just being me.  I love our house and I love being a mom.  Honestly being a mom has been so wonderful, especially this past year.  I have two great kids and one on the way.  I love my husband and family.  There's really not much to say about me other then I am very blessed, fortunate and loved.  I wouldn't want life any other way and I am so grateful for what I have.  There are times when there are struggles but I wouldn't want it any other way.  I love my life.

A Righteous Desire

It's public information that at the end of the year I was pregnant with our third baby and at the beginning of 2013 the baby no longer had a heart beat and I had a D&C.  I feel as if I have been dealing with this very well.  Of course I'll talk about it and I'm perfectly fine with it, it helps me cope.  I have been going to the gym and trying to count my calories (calorie counting only began this week).  My goal is to run a 5k this summer and I have three so far I want to enter in.  We have a wedding to attend in June and I'm trying to lose ten pounds for that and if I keep up the rate I'm at it should be no problem.

Earlier this week, last Sunday, the loss of our baby hit me on the way to church and it did again today.  It truly is a righteous desire to have another baby, especially in our circumstances.  I LOVE children.  I literally yearn for another, as it burns in my heart and soul.  I would love one or two more and to get my husband to have that desire for one more was a miracle.  When we got pregnant we were elated and now there's nothing.

What strikes me at the heart of all of this is my husband and I don't talk about it to each other.  I'm more then willing to but he doesn't say anything.  I know it still pains his heart.  I only wish he had the gospel knowledge I have and believed in it then maybe it would be easier for him.  When I was worried about a miscarriage (due to bleeding) in the very beginning of my pregnancy I was reminded of something that was said in a blessing and I asked my husband with the slightest bit of faith he had to believe that.  He is atheist.  Now I worry he put all of his trust and energy in that and is once again angry at God.

I knew at the beginning this pregnancy would end.  I worried about it for a long time.  My blessing had mentioned having a healthy delivery and nothing about the baby.  Well, I delivered the baby and it was healthy for me.  I am not doubting that blessing at all, I just wish we had a healthy baby to accompany it.

I am very grateful for my two beautiful children.  Bradley (4) was unexpected and Amelia (2) is our rainbow baby (baby born after a miscarriage).  What our future holds for us I don't exactly know.  I do feel as if our family isn't complete yet but am more then grateful for what I have.  I read the following verse in Psalms and I will stick by it,  "But I will hope continually, and will yet praise thee more and more" (Psalms 71:14).

Pretending to understand why things happened the way they did isn't something I can live up to.  I can guess and speculate all I want and even though it's hard and sometimes I struggle I know Heavenly Father sees the whole picture and maybe it was His mercy having a miscarriage rather then something else.  Maybe one day I will feel like our family is complete.  Regardless I will continue to hope and praise Heavenly Father because he understands more then I can ever imagine.

Miscarriage #2

My second miscarriage was very different from my first.  I guess you can say this miscarriage happened on January 2nd or 3rd, 2013....but the complications started before then.

On December 25th my husband and I made the announcement to my family.  We were cooking a turkey in the oven and decided to put a hamburger bun in there as well.  Everyone was in the kitchen/dining area so we asked my dad, who was closest to the oven, to check on what was in there.  I asked, "Dad what's in there?"

"A turkey."

"Anything else?"

"Yeah, a bun.  There's a bun in the oven."

My husband said, "Yeah, there's a bun in the oven...."

Simultaneously, my mom expressed a surprised, "Nooooooooo" (which we will probably pick on her for for quite some time) and my dad said, "You're pregnant?"  Or something along those lines.  

We gratefully expressed that yes we would be expecting baby #3, at the beginning of August and at that point I was around 8 weeks pregnant, I would be having my first doctor's appointment and ultrasound the very next day.  My family was very excited and my mom already making plans for coming up the end of July, beginning of August to help until the baby comes.

On the 26th, we went to the first ultrasound.  We were excited but I was a bit nervous.  I was thrilled my husband had agreed to a third child.  He previously hadn't wanted another but then the bug hit him.

As I was laying on the table the technician asked how many weeks I was supposed to be.  I told her the Internet said 8 weeks and 3 days but I honestly felt I was just 8 weeks that day.  She then asked if I ovulated late or had irregular cycles.  And I said normally I have 31 days cycles and not the 28 day cycle.  She said the baby was measuring 6 weeks 1 day.  I was nervous from that point on.  She gave us pictures of the little peanut and sent us back in the waiting room.  My husband was optimistic but I wasn't.  

When I was seen by the nurse practioner she was brutally honest, which I much rather prefer.  She said the baby was measuring small and asked if I was positive of the first date of my last period.  I said yes, it was an anniversary of someone we knew.  She then proceeded to tell us the baby's heart beat was low.  It could have been because the size of the baby was small and for measuring six weeks it could be just kickin' in.  She wanted me back another ultrasound the following week because she wanted to know if the pregnancy was viable.  I broke down and she gave me a hug as did my husband.  She then ordered a blood draw.

A nurse came in and took my blood, from my bad arm injured in a car accident over a year and a half ago.  The throbbing and pain would last days.

After the blood draw the nurse practioner came back in and went over what would happen next week and that I would need to come in again in two days for another blood draw to compare my HCG levels to see if they doubled.  I again began to cry and again her and my husband wrapped their arms around me.  She apologized to me and said she felt bad but needed to tell me straight and I told her appreciated that.  It is true I did appreciate that, I would rather have the brass honest truth then false information and false hope.

Friday I went back in with my two kids.  As soon as we walked into the office, for a nurse visit, Bradley told the nurse, "My mommy is going to have a baby."  My heart melted.  The truth was we weren't sure if it was possible.  The nurse I had this day was my favorite.  She too is straight forward and LOVES my kids.  She has taken them out of the room for me if needed for exams and keeps them occupied even while tending to me.  She commented on how much they have grown.  

The nurse stated my progesterone levels were normal but normal low, so they wanted to start me on progesterone pills, inserted vaginally.  She explained how they worked and my progesterone level was 8, normal is 5-50.  Progesterone is what keeps the baby "sticky in the belly" on the uterus.  She then took my blood and said to call the office around 2 and she would have the results.

When I had gotten home, 2:00 came and she called me first.  She said on Wednesday my HCG numbers were 16,131 and that day they were 16,586.  They only went up slightly but I was also at a stage when they may not double.  The only way to really tell was by the ultrasound.  

The days seemed to go on forever.  Wednesday finally came and after a few days of being down and out, I knew I didn't feel pregnant anymore and we lost this one.  My husband went through a similar experience a few days after me but we were both optimistic we would see that little heart beating again at this ultrasound.  

We went in and we saw our peanut again.  This time, laying lifeless, no heart, no flicker on the screen indicating a heartbeat, nothing.  It was now January 2nd and the new year wasn't starting out with the bang we hoped.  The technician said the baby was measuring 6 weeks 2 days.  I honestly feel like the week before I NEEDED to see that flicker to know all this baby needed was a body in this life before living with our Father in Heaven again.  Our little peanut lasted only one more day, that we could guess, just enough time to let his or her mommy and daddy know he loved us and tried his hardest to be with us.  I know we will see this baby again and once we go beyond the veil we will raise him or her.  

I of course shed tear of sadness and we set the date for a D and C the next day.  After picking up our kids, my best friend gave me a hug and said, "I love you."  I couldn't say anything back as tears welled in my eyes.  After I got in the car my husband went to his so he could go back to work and I let it all out, "I REALLY wanted this to work."  

"I know.  I did too."

I texted a few friends and let them know what was going on.  I can truly say I have the best friends ever.  As soon as I got home, flowers were showing up at the door, chocolate, more flowers, hugs, texts and just plain love and anything else my friends felt would comfort me.  We had plans for my kids the next day while I went to surgery.

The next morning was an experience if I ever had one.  Before sending our son to school, I told him the baby in my belly died and was going to live with Heavenly Father again.  Mommy had to go to the doctor and the doctor was going to take the baby out of my belly and bury it.  Bradley said, "Then you are going to come home with the baby?"  I told him no, the baby didn't live and was going to stay with Heavenly Father.  We sent our son off to school, I emailed his teacher and let her know what was said in case Bradley mentioned anything and then my husband took a shower.  While he was just getting in the shower, our two year old was playing with the iPad on the floor when our miniature horse (which is really our 120 pound chocolate lab), stepped on her hand. She began to cry and I hadn't seen what happened asked her what did happen.  She pointed to our dog and said, "Leo" through her tears. 

"Did Leo step on your hand?"

"Yes."

She came over and I held her as she coddeled her hand and asked for a blankie.  Asking for her blanket is not a good sign.  I had her grasp my index fingers and I tried to pull her up from laying down and she screamed in pain.  As soon as my husband was done with the shower I told him what happened and asked him to quickly get dressed.  I thought it may be broken.  While he was getting dressed I called the doctor and they said she needed to go the the ER or Urgent Care.  My husband tried to look at her hand but she screamed in agony.

We knew we would have to make some changes and fast.  He took her to urgent care while I tried to find a ride to the hospital an hour away.  I found a ride and then asked if they had a GPS....they didn't and mine was in the car my husband had.  I called my son's school said I needed to pick him up rather then him riding the bus, got a little hassle from the school about picking him up but figured I was being emotional.  I started the car, finished getting ready as much as I could, went and got him, got the GPS from my car at Urgent Care, dropped my son off at my best friend's house and went to get back into my husband's car when I noticed my cell phone was ringing.  It was someone I was not expecting but something told me to pick it up so I did.

"Hi Jen, it's Gwen.  Look Jan's car won't start so you don't have a ride to Syracuse.  I'm going to talk to my husband and see if we can't bring you."

"Ok."

That was about the extent of it.  My mind was racing.  I got back into my driveway when I noticed Gwen called me two other times and left me a text message, "We can take you please call."

I texted my husband to find out if he could meet me in Syracuse and he said yes.  I then called Gwen and she said they were on their way and I asked what I should pack.  She said nothing really, they give you everything as far as she knew.  

I then called Jan and talked to her for a minute and then headed out the door to meet Gwen.  We drove to Syracuse and I got a text message that Amelia's X-rays came back negative, which is great news.  A short while afterward I received a text from my husband saying he was on his way.  Gwen and her husband offered to stay with me but I said it was ok because Chris was on his way.

I was then taken into the back, allowed to use the rest room and then answered some questions and told to get undressed and into a hospital gown, opening in the back.  I could leave my socks on.  

Shortly afterward a nurse came in and started my IV.  It was saline solution with sugar.  She also gave me a warm blanket, right out of the dryer/heater thing.  I LOVED it!  She then went looking for my husband but couldn't find him yet.  Shortly afterward he made it in.  We talked and joked and I told him I was scared.  He said it would be alright.  I quickly messaged someone who had just had a D and C a week earlier. 

The anestheiologist came by and asked and answered questions.  I would be having a twilight anesthesia.  I'd be mostly out but not really.  Most people don't remember anything.  I told her I didn't want to remember or hear anything.  She said I probably wouldn't.  She said they would give me some right before being wheeled into the operating room and by the time I got there some of the edge would be off.  

The doctor came in and explained the procedure and what to expect afterward.  

Shortly afterward a couple nurses came in and introduced themselves.  They would be in the OR with me.  They had to ask why I was there and I told them.  They apologized and I began to tear up again.  Finally one of them injected my IV with medicine and as we were walking down the short hall, I began to wonder when I would feel the effects of the medicine.  As the foot of the bed pushed through the doors I said, "You weren't kidding I would feel it shortly."  Things became foggy.  I remember them pushing my hospital bed to the operating table and I had to get myself on.  I then remember my legs going into stirrups (which I thought they were going into ropes that were hanging from the ceiling, clearly not so and I was out of it).  The last thing I remember was the curtain being hung over my chest.  I remember thinking this is close and I am going to feel claustrophobic.  

Apparently everything went well because I was now in what was a triage type area.  My vitals were being taken and a nurse was putting the hospital underwear on me.  She apologized for my procedure and I said it's ok.  I asked how I got back in my bed and she said I put myself back on there.  I have no recollection of that.  

I asked the nurse if she ever had a miscarriage and she said five and only birthed and raised one child.  Her last one she had a D and C.  I apologized to her and bore my testimony that I truly believe some babies are here long enough to just get a body and we will have the opportunity to raise them in the next life.  She got teary.  I was then wheeled to recovery.

In recovery I had toast with jelly right away and ginger ale.  I hadn't eaten since the night before and needed something in my belly.  My husband was brought to me and we hung out.  More vitals were taken, I was able to get dressed and within an hour after surgery, in the car on the way to Taco Bell.  I was exhausted and tried to fall asleep on the way home but felt like I was going to lose my nachos.  

It's been one day since the surgery.  I feel great.  I feel like I can recover much more effectively then the first time emotionally and physically.  I have very light spotting and have used three heat packs total and only taken a couple Motrin.  After surgery they offered me Oxycodone and something similar but I preferred Motrin.  If I do too much then I feel some pain but other then that I feel great.  If it came down to choosing between natural miscarriage or a D and C, I would choose the D and C again, no questions asked as long as they knock me out again.

Miscarriage #1

My first miscarriage happened in 2009.  My son was just about seven months old.  He and this baby were going to be 13 months apart.  Man this was going to be tough.  I had been worried this one would end in miscarriage for quite some time, but seeing how I was at the end of my first trimester, I felt safe and that maybe I was worrying too much.

My husband had gone out the night before drinking with his buddies and I wasn't pleased.  When he mentioned several people would be coming over for a get together on Saturday night, I wasn't the happiest pregnant woman around.  He said he wouldn't drink too much because he drank a lot the night before.

That night in March several people started to fill our first home.  I was cordial and beginning to have a good time.  I was playing poker with my husband's best friends mom and her daughter and a few others.  I excused myself to use the rest room and out of habit wiped and noticed a smear of bright red blood.  I panicked so I wiped again.  More blood.  I flushed the toilet and ran out, asking for my husband.

I told Chris what was going on and he was already a few drinks into the night.  He thought I was being dramatic and seemed annoyed in my opinion.  He began googling in the office and I called the doctor right away.  Within minutes the on call doctor phoned me back and they said I needed to go to the ER.  I was terrified.

I now had a house full of people and needed to go to the Emergency Room.  Fortunately there would be a babysitter for my baby.  I left her with Bradley and just so people wouldn't wonder what was going on, I made the following announcement, "I don't mean to be rude or anything but Chris and I are leaving, the doctor's think I may be miscarrying."

I was freaking out because I couldn't find my purse.  Someone found it for me and since my husband had already had a few drinks I drove us the 45 minutes to the hospital.  Once I was there I immediately was told to pee in a cup.  I was terrified to do so because I was afraid I'd see blood again but there wasn't any.  One of the nurses took several viles of blood afterward and then we waited.  I wasn't even in a room yet, just sitting there in the waiting room.  I was furious at my husband for drinking that night.

Shortly after waiting I was in a room for a short amount of time when I began receiving an IV of saline solution.  I was then taken to another floor, wheeled on the bed, to receive an ultra sound.  The technician was very specific that I was NOT to ask her any questions because she was not allowed to answer them then she proceeded to do a trans-vaginal ultra sound.  I saw the baby and did ask if she could even tell if it was a boy or girl yet, thinking that was ok to ask but she responded with, "I can't answer any questions."  I think I asked another question afterward and she gave the same response.  I looked at the monitor and saw the baby sitting there motionless.  There was no movement, no flicker of a heartbeat.  I knew then.

The technician left and I asked my husband what he thought.  His response was he thought the baby was sleeping, but I already knew, even though it wasn't confirmed yet.

Awhile later, back in my room, a doctor came in.  He didn't speak well english.  He told me something and I couldn't understand.  He then said it more clearly, "The baby's heart stopped.  It's not beating anymore."  I began to cry and then felt I had to be strong for my husband.  I looked over at him and I saw something I don't think I will ever forget.  He had puddles on his long eyelashes.

The doctor suggested surgery to remove the baby, but I said I just wanted to go home.  He tried again and I refused saying your body handles this naturally.  We drove home in silence that night.  When we arrived back at the house I went to the nursery and pulled our son out of his crib.  He slept between us that night.  Other rooms in our house were occupied with the babysitter and others who decided to stay.

The next morning I still wasn't bleeding or cramping.  I refused to go downstairs until everyone was gone.  A dear friend of mine, Rachael, came over with her husband.  I went down to visit with her.  She was my rock and the only one I cared about seeing.

On Monday I had to call my doctor's office and let them know what was going on.  They again asked me to come in for a D/C.  I said no again referring back to your body handling it naturally.  They gave me a time limit.  I had until Thursday or I would have to go in.  I agreed.  I had also "started" my second trimester.

It took a few day but I believe it was a Wednesday when I started to feel the cramping.  At first it started out as cramping like a period.  Then it intensified.  I took a Pamprin for pain.  They said I could take Tylenol or IBProffin or something, but I don't remember what.  The medicine did nothing for the pain that kept intensifying.  I went to the bathroom and there was blood, lots of it.  The pain was still intense.  I'd lay down in bed.  My husband came upstairs with our son to help.  Our boy didn't understand and was laughing.  I told my husband to put him in his crib.

I went to the bathroom again, more blood and lots of it.  My husband called the doctor's office.  They gave him a nurse to talk to.  The pain kept growing more and more intense and closer together, much like when I was in labor with my son.  I remember my husband saying the following, "I don't need a nurse I need to talk to a doctor NOW!  My wife is having a miscarriage."

I felt a pop and knew it was my water breaking.  It wouldn't be long now.  Then I felt the baby come out and maybe other things, I'm not sure.  The pain was gone now.  I wiped and laid down in bed.  My husband was still on the phone with the doctor's office.  They told him he needed to look through the toilet and bring the baby in when I came in later that day.

Going to my doctor's office my son was sitting in his carseat, my husband was driving and sitting between my husband and I was the only thing my husband could find for our baby to go to the hospital in....an empty enfamil can.

At the office they gave me a pelvic exam and looked through the can.  The doctor asked if I was dizzy or anything and I said yes.  She sent me to the ER fearing I lost too much blood.  Turns out I didn't and I was in the ER for hours just waiting to be seen because they misplaced my chart.  Everything at that point was done.  I had visits every week afterward making sure my HCG levels went back to zero.  I was depressed for some time afterward and would cry often.  We took a break from pregnancy for a little while and about a year after the miscarriage found out I was pregnant with our sweet Rainbow Baby, Amelia.

I do believe that baby was not ready to come at that time.  The experience made me grateful for what I have and gave me an opportunity to help others and have an understanding of it all.  It was hard but I don't believe Heavenly Father would give us anything we couldn't handle.