Well after Saturday nights events.....Sunday was ok. Chris was right there with me and we have a family day. We didn't do anything and it was a bit solemn but it was ok.
Monday was very hard and I cried a lot. I was alone a lot because Chris had school and I don't think I would have wanted to stay home anyway.
Tuesday I was so grateful Chris was home. I couldn't have asked for anything better, through a very difficult time. Tuesday I was having contractions and my water broke. Finally we delivered the baby at home. It was one of the most physically painful experiences I ever had. On top of the mess it made, the doctors wanted us to bring it in for lab testing. Chris tried his best to find it in our toilet and he grabbed what he could but it wasn't the baby. I'm kind of grateful.
Shortly thereafter, the doctors had us come in for an appointment. I was still dizzy so they sent me to the ER. They thought I lost too much blood. Six hours in the ER later....I was released. I didn't need blood. They did an ultrasound and yes I did "pass the baby." They were contemplating surgery but decided to hold off. I'll find out coming Tuesday if my pregnancy hormone is going down enough, if not strap on the gas mask, I'm having surgery.
Wednesday was an overall good day. We got a black kitten with white armpits. We call him Mr. Bojangles. He loves to cuddle.
Thursday was kind of depressing.
And today friends of ours are in labor and called me for advise on how to get through it! Oh geesh! So even though a life was lost another one this very moment is getting ready to come into the world. Chris and I may possibly drive up to help with the labor process because their family isn't around. She's been in labor since 1am....making it.....eleven hours and she's only 1 and a half centimeters dialated! Oh poor Tabitha!!! So hopefully we can help and in the end it'll help me overcome some sadness. Overall though, we are getting through it. There may be some rough patches in the way but we are strong. I am very grateful for the support of my friends and family and of course the flowers and food!!! Thank you all.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Perfectly Imperfect
The day seemed to be going perfect. Our house was cleaned, the cooking was done and all we had left to do was wait for the guests to arrive. I was tired, but so wasn’t Chris and the baby had just fallen asleep for an afternoon nap.
Once our guests arrived things were great. Bradley was excited to see a bunch of new faces and the food was finally being eaten. It was fabulous. That evening we all sat down to play cards. Everyone was in and out of the bathroom, because they had been drinking and it was quite noisy. I went in to use our toilet and was trying to hurry because I KNOW someone is going to walk in on me, but then I got scared. I was bleeding. All I could think was, “I’m not supposed to bleed and I hadn’t bled like this during the last pregnancy.”
I walked out of the bathroom as quickly and as calmly as I could. I called Chris’s name. He couldn’t hear me above the crowded noise. I called him again. He looked and I said I really needed to talk to him. He came over. “I’m bleeding. And I’m bleeding more then I did last time.”
“Well call your doctor, everything will be ok.” Alcohol reeked from his breath.
I called. They took a message and I waited. If it was longer then twenty minutes before I got a call back, then I had to call again.
Chris tried to console me, slurring his speech, saying it’s going to be fine. I cried. I pushed him away. Why couldn’t he be sober? He said he wasn’t really going to drink much.
Chris went to the office to look up miscarriages online. I went down to talk to one of my friends to see if she could stay. She said of course and called work.
The hospital was calling. It was a resident. Hmmmm. Not a real doctor.
“Well,” she said, “It’s normal to bleed a little while you are pregnant, especially if you have had sex.”
“Look, I know what’s normal. This isn’t normal. I have bled previously because of sex, it doesn’t fill a tissue paper and isn’t bright red.”
“Well, I’ll page Doctor Paul and see what she says. She may have you come in just to be checked out. If you don’t hear back within twenty minutes call the hospital again.”
I waited. Doctor Paul called within five minutes. She wants me to come in and get an ultrasound and see what’s going on. I said ok and cried. Chris came in and I told him what we needed to do. I told him he couldn’t drive. He drank too much. “I’m fine.” He slurred.
I repeated he wasn’t driving and then said, “I guess I should pack something.” I grabbed a big black canvas tote and didn’t know what to pack, so I just threw in a pair of underwear. If I was miscarrying, all I could think of was I would need new underwear.
We went downstairs. I put on my shoes. Chris pulled a few of his friends outside. I grabbed everyone’s attention inside. I didn’t want them to think we were being rude. I told them the doctor thinks I may be miscarrying and we had to go to the ER.
I couldn’t find my purse. I was freaking out, screaming and yelling at whoever got in my way because I couldn’t find it. I needed it. Chris grabbed the car keys and said he would look in the car. I yelled at him that he wasn’t driving. He said he knew. My purse was in the car.
We left and I drove. We didn’t talk the entire time, only when I questioned, forty-five minutes later where I should park.
We got to the hospital and Chris said he had to pee and couldn’t hold it. He ran in the parking lot out of sight. I wasn’t going to wait for him. I didn’t want to wait for him, so I started walking, alone, to the emergency room door. Chris caught up. The smell of liquor made me want to vomit.
They called my name as I was registering. The receptionist said Chris could finish the paperwork for me. I went in double doors. They took my blood pressure, temperature and story of what was happening. I hoped I was being paranoid. The nurses just said, “We’ll see.”
They gave me a bag with a cup in it. They wanted me to pee. I didn’t want to pee. I didn’t want to see the blood again. But I did what they asked. They then told me to go to the waiting room until I was called.
When they called my name, my obnoxiously drunk husband came with me. They took viles of blood, one to see if I was pregnant. It didn’t make sense to me, so I asked why. “Couldn’t they figure that out from the urinalysis? Am I still pregnant?”
The nurse looked at me. “It should be posted on the computer. I’ll go check.”
He came back. “It’s not posted, but I’m sure it’s in your chart.” He drew my blood and took me to my room.
They hooked me up with an IV. A saline drip. It was cold. It made me cold. Chris covered me with a blanket. He started sifting through all the stuff they had in the room. It pissed me off.
We waited. We waited until my IV was gone. We waited longer then that.
Chris finally called the nurse, slurring demands on getting help. She went to see what was going on. They were taking me to get an ultrasound. Tom, he’s the guy that wheeled me in my bed upstairs to the tech.
I don’t remember the tech’s name. But she was nice. I went to the bathroom twice in her care. The room was dark, very low lighting. She said either way she wouldn’t be able to give us any answers.
She did the test. And we saw the baby. The precious little thing was just sitting there. Arms in front of him, just sitting there. We asked questions and she couldn’t and wouldn’t answer, but I knew at that time.
When she left all I could think to do was to ask Chris if he thought the baby was alive. He said yes. Then I asked him why the baby wasn’t moving. He suggested the baby was sleeping. Then I asked if he was just saying that to make me feel better or if he really meant it. He said he meant it.
I was wheeled back to my room. It wasn’t Tom this time. We got there and we waited. We waited more and then the doctor came in. It was hard to understand him; he had a heavy accent, “The baby’s heart stopped. Ok. The baby’s heart stopped.”
I just stared at him.
“Ok. The baby’s heart stopped. Do you understand?”
“So the baby’s not alive?”
“No.”
I turned, looked up at the ceiling, but I didn’t see it. I gasped. I tried to hold it in, but it didn’t work. I looked over at Chris whose head was down on my bed.
The doctor said he would be back and he left. He had to wait for the official word.
I gathered myself and saw my husband’s eyelashes puddle with tears, eyes glazed over. “Why,” he asked. “I have such bad luck.”
I reminded him he didn’t believe in luck. He said nothing goes right for him, it’s all wrong. I reminded him he has a little boy at home who loves him very much and a dog that absolutely adores him. I reminded him how much I loved him.
He wanted to call his brother. I gave him my cell phone and he bent down to give me a kiss and all I could do was sob. Then I gathered myself and he left.
When he came back the nurse came back shortly thereafter. The doctor wanted to “scrape some tissue away.” We just wanted to go home. The nurse kept apologizing to us. The doctor let us go home. We couldn’t just leave. The nurse came in and I had to sign some papers. I didn’t want to because it meant my baby was dead. It was the hardest most difficult time I ever had signing my name.
We left after two in the morning. We had been there five hours. We decided we would call family the next day and send everyone else an email or text message. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone I knew.
When we got home, we took Bradley, who was awake, into our arms, gave him a hug and a kiss. He slept with mommy and daddy that night and all the next day when he took naps.
As I sit and type, I am still pregnant, carrying an unborn lifeless child, who will never have a name, other then Baby Campos. We will never know whether Bradley would have had a little brother or little sister but we can dream that one day he will.
Once our guests arrived things were great. Bradley was excited to see a bunch of new faces and the food was finally being eaten. It was fabulous. That evening we all sat down to play cards. Everyone was in and out of the bathroom, because they had been drinking and it was quite noisy. I went in to use our toilet and was trying to hurry because I KNOW someone is going to walk in on me, but then I got scared. I was bleeding. All I could think was, “I’m not supposed to bleed and I hadn’t bled like this during the last pregnancy.”
I walked out of the bathroom as quickly and as calmly as I could. I called Chris’s name. He couldn’t hear me above the crowded noise. I called him again. He looked and I said I really needed to talk to him. He came over. “I’m bleeding. And I’m bleeding more then I did last time.”
“Well call your doctor, everything will be ok.” Alcohol reeked from his breath.
I called. They took a message and I waited. If it was longer then twenty minutes before I got a call back, then I had to call again.
Chris tried to console me, slurring his speech, saying it’s going to be fine. I cried. I pushed him away. Why couldn’t he be sober? He said he wasn’t really going to drink much.
Chris went to the office to look up miscarriages online. I went down to talk to one of my friends to see if she could stay. She said of course and called work.
The hospital was calling. It was a resident. Hmmmm. Not a real doctor.
“Well,” she said, “It’s normal to bleed a little while you are pregnant, especially if you have had sex.”
“Look, I know what’s normal. This isn’t normal. I have bled previously because of sex, it doesn’t fill a tissue paper and isn’t bright red.”
“Well, I’ll page Doctor Paul and see what she says. She may have you come in just to be checked out. If you don’t hear back within twenty minutes call the hospital again.”
I waited. Doctor Paul called within five minutes. She wants me to come in and get an ultrasound and see what’s going on. I said ok and cried. Chris came in and I told him what we needed to do. I told him he couldn’t drive. He drank too much. “I’m fine.” He slurred.
I repeated he wasn’t driving and then said, “I guess I should pack something.” I grabbed a big black canvas tote and didn’t know what to pack, so I just threw in a pair of underwear. If I was miscarrying, all I could think of was I would need new underwear.
We went downstairs. I put on my shoes. Chris pulled a few of his friends outside. I grabbed everyone’s attention inside. I didn’t want them to think we were being rude. I told them the doctor thinks I may be miscarrying and we had to go to the ER.
I couldn’t find my purse. I was freaking out, screaming and yelling at whoever got in my way because I couldn’t find it. I needed it. Chris grabbed the car keys and said he would look in the car. I yelled at him that he wasn’t driving. He said he knew. My purse was in the car.
We left and I drove. We didn’t talk the entire time, only when I questioned, forty-five minutes later where I should park.
We got to the hospital and Chris said he had to pee and couldn’t hold it. He ran in the parking lot out of sight. I wasn’t going to wait for him. I didn’t want to wait for him, so I started walking, alone, to the emergency room door. Chris caught up. The smell of liquor made me want to vomit.
They called my name as I was registering. The receptionist said Chris could finish the paperwork for me. I went in double doors. They took my blood pressure, temperature and story of what was happening. I hoped I was being paranoid. The nurses just said, “We’ll see.”
They gave me a bag with a cup in it. They wanted me to pee. I didn’t want to pee. I didn’t want to see the blood again. But I did what they asked. They then told me to go to the waiting room until I was called.
When they called my name, my obnoxiously drunk husband came with me. They took viles of blood, one to see if I was pregnant. It didn’t make sense to me, so I asked why. “Couldn’t they figure that out from the urinalysis? Am I still pregnant?”
The nurse looked at me. “It should be posted on the computer. I’ll go check.”
He came back. “It’s not posted, but I’m sure it’s in your chart.” He drew my blood and took me to my room.
They hooked me up with an IV. A saline drip. It was cold. It made me cold. Chris covered me with a blanket. He started sifting through all the stuff they had in the room. It pissed me off.
We waited. We waited until my IV was gone. We waited longer then that.
Chris finally called the nurse, slurring demands on getting help. She went to see what was going on. They were taking me to get an ultrasound. Tom, he’s the guy that wheeled me in my bed upstairs to the tech.
I don’t remember the tech’s name. But she was nice. I went to the bathroom twice in her care. The room was dark, very low lighting. She said either way she wouldn’t be able to give us any answers.
She did the test. And we saw the baby. The precious little thing was just sitting there. Arms in front of him, just sitting there. We asked questions and she couldn’t and wouldn’t answer, but I knew at that time.
When she left all I could think to do was to ask Chris if he thought the baby was alive. He said yes. Then I asked him why the baby wasn’t moving. He suggested the baby was sleeping. Then I asked if he was just saying that to make me feel better or if he really meant it. He said he meant it.
I was wheeled back to my room. It wasn’t Tom this time. We got there and we waited. We waited more and then the doctor came in. It was hard to understand him; he had a heavy accent, “The baby’s heart stopped. Ok. The baby’s heart stopped.”
I just stared at him.
“Ok. The baby’s heart stopped. Do you understand?”
“So the baby’s not alive?”
“No.”
I turned, looked up at the ceiling, but I didn’t see it. I gasped. I tried to hold it in, but it didn’t work. I looked over at Chris whose head was down on my bed.
The doctor said he would be back and he left. He had to wait for the official word.
I gathered myself and saw my husband’s eyelashes puddle with tears, eyes glazed over. “Why,” he asked. “I have such bad luck.”
I reminded him he didn’t believe in luck. He said nothing goes right for him, it’s all wrong. I reminded him he has a little boy at home who loves him very much and a dog that absolutely adores him. I reminded him how much I loved him.
He wanted to call his brother. I gave him my cell phone and he bent down to give me a kiss and all I could do was sob. Then I gathered myself and he left.
When he came back the nurse came back shortly thereafter. The doctor wanted to “scrape some tissue away.” We just wanted to go home. The nurse kept apologizing to us. The doctor let us go home. We couldn’t just leave. The nurse came in and I had to sign some papers. I didn’t want to because it meant my baby was dead. It was the hardest most difficult time I ever had signing my name.
We left after two in the morning. We had been there five hours. We decided we would call family the next day and send everyone else an email or text message. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone I knew.
When we got home, we took Bradley, who was awake, into our arms, gave him a hug and a kiss. He slept with mommy and daddy that night and all the next day when he took naps.
As I sit and type, I am still pregnant, carrying an unborn lifeless child, who will never have a name, other then Baby Campos. We will never know whether Bradley would have had a little brother or little sister but we can dream that one day he will.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Wonderful Vacation
Well trust me when I say I definitely have more pictures to add, I just have to download them. But here are pictures from our trip that came off either my phone or Chris's phone...
Day One...
We went from Oswego to DC and stayed at the Grand Hyatt. Now I had been taking care of Bradley all day and was anxious to go. I also had been cleaning our house all day so when we left for a six hour car ride, I was wearing a t-shirt and old yoga pants. When we arrived at the hotel needless to say I was WAY underdressed, especially since we just parked behind a corvette! That night we had room service and went to bed. The next day we took Bradley swimming for the first time and took pictures, which we will add to this blog later. Then we saw the sights. We went to the Lincoln Monument, WWII Memorial (which brought me to tears), National Monument and the Treasury Building. From there we drove to NC and arrived at Chad's house. Bradley didn't take any naps while we were sightseeing, well for maybe fifteen minutes tops. But he was very pleasant.
Day Two....
Chad said he wanted to take us to the drop zone where he skydives from. We thought this was ok. He told Chris he had to wear sneakers and Chris told me I had to wear sneakers. I was embarrassed because I thought I looked like a geek, capris and sneakers. Oh well. Turns out Chad was going to throw Chris from a plane and make him skydive. I didn't have to wear sneakers at all! Well it was too windy so we ended up going to an indoor wind tunnel, which teaches you how to skydive. When you are pregnant you can't do this either, but Chad had Chris do it and we have pictures and a video of it too. Although the video we can't post online. It was great. Bradley became a little grumpy but was too interested in seeing people fly through the air tunnel to sleep.
Day Three....Monday.....
We went to Camp Leguene and picked up Uncle Rudy. He took us to a Mongolian BBQ and had lunch. From there we went back to Chad's house and relaxed. Uncle Rudy (Chris's brother) met Bradley for the first time. He thinks he's a great mix of the both of us. Bradley was too interested in staring at Uncle Rudy to sleep. We think he was confused who daddy was at first.
Day Four....Tuesday....
We all went to the Asheboro Zoo. We forgot our camera so ended up taking lots of photos from the phones. Bradley went on a child's jeep ride, where you put in a couple quarters and it moves back and forth. He was scared at first but then enjoyed it. He LOVED the ducks and pufans (kind of like little penguins). Even though we had the stroller everyone took turns holding him and enjoying time with Bradley. Bradley definitely skipped his nap this day too. There was so much to see. Rather then walking ALL the way back to the beginning of the zoo we took the zoo bus. Bradley fell asleep in daddy's lap and his head on mommy's arm in a matter of seconds. He had such an awesome day.
Day Five....Wednesday....
Mexican was called for! We ate lunch at this great Mexican restaurant where Uncle Chad tricked Chris into speaking Spanish. Chris was trying to order and was doing a great job. I ordered chicken fajitas and the waiter asked if I wanted chicken or pollo. I was the only one who understood they were the same thing. After lunch we went to the Special Operations Museum in Fayetteville where Chris, Rudy and I went on a simulated ride in order to see what it's like in a HMMMV and helicopter, which we already knew but it was fun anyway. From there we went to the actual museum part and got a bit of history of the Special Operations section of the Army. Bradley thought the manequinns were real as he smiled at each one we went up to. Bradley again was way too interested to sleep.
Day Six...Thursday....
Pretty much the boys stayed home and Chad and I did errands around Fayetteville area. When we got back all we did was hang out and watch Star Wars which I enjoyed. Bradley did take a nap this day.
Day Seven....Friday...
We said goodbye to Chad and wished him luck in Afghanistan. My brother leaves in about a month for another year, well we hope it's only another year. We drove Uncle Rudy home, said goodbye. From there we drove to DC again and stayed at the Double Tree hotel. We all got dressed up and went to a VERY nice dinner that overlooked the DC Skyline. Our hotel was right across the street from the Pentagon. The wait staff was very nice to Bradley and he very much enjoyed the apple juice and pasta and bread they gave him. Chris and I both ate meals with shrimp and lobster in them. My mouth waters just thinking about it. After that we went back to our room and went to bed.
Day Eight....Saturday....
Chris got up early and headed to the gym. After the gym Bradley and I went swimming and Chris watched. The pool was on the fourteenth floor and overlooked DC, it was nice but the water felt cold. Bradley loved his little floaty. After swimming I went down to a cafe in the hotel and got us sandwiches. Bradley slept in our room with daddy. After we ate, we went to the Holocaust Museum, where I discovered four of my family names have been recognized as rescuers in the Holocaust. I'm not sure how yet, but I'll find out. I bought a couple of books and I am MORE than excited to do family history now, plus help Chris with his. Talk about motivation! From there we drove home and got home VERY late.
Sometime during the whole trip Bradley cut his bottom teeth, both of them! The poor boy was miserable for a day (the day Chad and I went and did errands). All Bradley wanted was his mommy and that made me feel very loved, but at the same time restricted me from being able to pack, etc. But it all worked out and Bradley is a bit happier now. We can feel his little teeth, they just have to finish pushing through!
Overall the trip was WONDERFUL and I was sad
it had to end so soon and we had to say goodbye to warm weather and family.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Finish a Book
So my goal was to finish a book in the near future.....turns out I did! I just finished it this morning, it's The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. It was fantastic and I highly recommend it to everyone. I first I could only read maybe a page because of the baby but then I realized this week I'd read while he took a nap and turns out I finished it quite quickly.
I highly recommend reading the book. It's definitely easy reading. It's about this girl who grew up in the 60's who is struggling with identity really. She feels the responsibility of killing her mother when she was just four years old, she picked up a gun, it went off and accidentally killed her. She comes from an unloving relationship with her father and is struggling to find ANY sort of information about her mother, yet she can't come to find out the truth of her mother if she keeps telling lies. The book is fantastic! I recommend it.
As for everything else, I'm having company come over today, have to finish cleaning (only have to clean the bedroom, do laundry and clean the kitchen), pack, go to an appointment and not go insane then I'm all set for the day. I'm excited and hoping I get it all done. AND as of right now I'm feeling alright. I can't complain there.
Well anyway this is short because I have a lot to do.
I highly recommend reading the book. It's definitely easy reading. It's about this girl who grew up in the 60's who is struggling with identity really. She feels the responsibility of killing her mother when she was just four years old, she picked up a gun, it went off and accidentally killed her. She comes from an unloving relationship with her father and is struggling to find ANY sort of information about her mother, yet she can't come to find out the truth of her mother if she keeps telling lies. The book is fantastic! I recommend it.
As for everything else, I'm having company come over today, have to finish cleaning (only have to clean the bedroom, do laundry and clean the kitchen), pack, go to an appointment and not go insane then I'm all set for the day. I'm excited and hoping I get it all done. AND as of right now I'm feeling alright. I can't complain there.
Well anyway this is short because I have a lot to do.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Creepy Crawly
So as I am typing this blog, my son is sitting in my lap, watching everything. Who knows how well this will turn out. As for this week. I was feeling great until about an hour and a half ago. Now I'm back to feeling sick. But I'm making it through.
I am very excited about our trip on Friday. I just hope it comes soon! It feels like the time is creeping by, which doesn't make sense because there is so much to do.
The past few days, when I get a free chance I have been reading one of my books, The Secret Life of Bees. As of right now I am HOOKED on it. I absolutely love it! I want nothing more right now then to find out what the heck is going on and if this fourteen year old girl is going to finally open up to someone.
Now for the creepy crawly of it all....Bradley, at six months, is crawling everywhere! It's a low crawl with his head up and he just goes wherever he pleases. We now look at him one minute and the next minute he is lost. Chris said his heart sank one day when he couldn't find him, turns out he made his way into the closet.
It's absolutely amazing to me to see how much my little boy is growing. We have most definitely included a video of him doing his creepy crawly and soon we know he's going to be a little mad man crawling like crazy.
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