Identity

Recently I have been questioning my identity. We live in a world full of changes and one of these changes is the woman. Years ago it was unheard of to have a woman making the income in the family, but now it is very common. As a child, I grew up knowing, not thinking, I could be President of the United States. My parents always taught me I could be anything I wanted to be and do anything I wanted to do. I could be the next Miss America or I could fly to the moon and back, I could be a teacher or doctor, a lawyer or business woman, anything my heart was set on. At one point I think I wanted to be all of these.

So why now, that I have chosen my career I am questioning it? Not why I chose it, but why others question it. Why is it I feel guilty being a stay at home mom? Years ago this would have been very acceptable but now I feel out of place and guilty. I feel like I should be working because that is what is expected. Sure my little family and I make sacrifices in order for me to stay at home. We can't just splurge on anything anymore. In all honesty I wouldn't have known we could make it if it wasn't for the difficulties I faced right before and after Bradley was born. I had full intention of returning back to work. Now I definitely don't.



In order to clarify, when I was pregnant with Bradley I was still considered an ROTC cadet, preparing to commission as an officer in the Army. All of my commitments to ROTC had been complete, with the exception of a PT test (physical fitness test) thirty days out from my commission date. When I graduated I was about six months pregnant and I wasn't allowed to take the PT test. Something about doing fifty sit ups, seventeen pushups and a two mile run in 19 minutes and some odd seconds while six months pregnant didn't sound too enticing either. I had to wait up to six months from the date of Bradley's birth in order to take the PT test. I realized it isn't easy to lose the baby weight at all, in fact eight and a half months later, it's still not lost (but there was also a pregnancy in between).

I wasn't covered financially under the military health insurance, because I was still ROTC and should have been covered under my school. Well, I already graduated college with my B.A. so I wasn't enrolled in school. I was working full time for my unit and therefore according to New York State was unqualified for state health insurance because I made too much money. We found out the day I was in labor. Weeks after having Bradley we were getting in the bills which were around $10,000 total. I worked with the doctors and hospitals and was able to clarify this and it has since been taken care of.





During months of working with hospitals and doctors I stayed home everyday with my little boy. I loved it and still do. Sometimes it is paycheck to paycheck but other times, it's not so bad and we can put some money away. And I am in the process of getting out of the military. But without the hardship we faced, I never would have known we could make it.

So now I stay home everyday and I enjoy it very much, but I feel like I don't know who I really am any more. I feel guilty and get "the looks" saying I should be working from various people. Monetary wise it would help to have me work, but we pay all of our bills. We aren't late on them, or very rarely, like if we just missed one by accident or something, but again that's very rare. No we can't just pick up and fly somewhere and I'm ok with that. So why do I feel guilty? Is it because we live paycheck to paycheck? Really there aren't any jobs, plus day care is over $200 a week for this area for one child. I don't want someone else raising my kid, plus the additional income would be going toward childcare, there's no point.




Somewhere in this whole process I question who I am now. I know I am a child of God and I am a wife and mother, that's not what I'm questioning. I just feel like I'm lost somewhere and I'm not sure where. I don't know who I am anymore. I try to take time to myself everyday, mainly going to the gym. Nowadays I don't hang out with people like I used to, I have few friends and that's partially by choice, but I guess that's the sacrifice you make when you chose to be an at home mom. Don't get me wrong I'm VERY excited to take Bradley to the zoo next week and the Play Museum the following week. I guess I just miss part of the old me.

I know I'm not alone in this. I have a close friend who feels the same way, a family member and an acquaintance who all feel this way. All of us are stay at home moms. I don't want to go back to work and I want to raise my child. I know this is best for all of us in my family and I am happy. So why the guilt over something I love?