Reality of Sex After Baby

This is a VERY rough draft.....


I always heard everything is different after you have kids. Well, I’ve only had one child so far and as far as I know, it is different. What I wasn’t expecting to change so drastically was sex that is until my friend had scared the crap out of me talking about it. Of course to her everything was fine and dandy because she had a cesarean. She kept bragging, with every right, how she was grateful she didn’t deliver vaginally because she “didn’t want anything to change down there,” or how “everything gets stretched out,” or how she “liked everything just the way it was.” I was jealous. My mind was filled about horror stories about how women hated sex now they had kids. I was terrified. Not only was I terrified about sex after birth but also I was afraid of stretch marks and what a magazine called, “breasts that now looked like deflated condoms.” I was ecstatic to be a mom but scared of losing my youth, scared of leaving my life as I knew it, scared of stretch marks, scared I would no longer be attractive to my husband let alone having any random guy flirt with me and I was scared of sex and “the changes down there.”


While in labor, I was excited. I was three weeks early and I hadn’t had any stretch marks that I was aware of. Of course this was the day I would also meet that little boy who was giving me heartburn, gas, indigestion and painful kicks. Literally the day before my Lamaze instructor was telling us how wonderful that feeling was once your baby was placed on your belly and how everything else in the room seemed to melt away. She reminded us how walking while in labor and sitting on an exercise ball would help tremendously. I preferred the method of vomiting and crying in the fetal position. After eight hours of labor I was delivering my baby. He was pushed down. The nurse had done an oil massage “down there” so I hopefully wouldn’t tear or have an episiotomy.


Turns out all the massage in the world wouldn’t have helped me as the doctor cut me. The changes down there already started to occur. Everything from here on out was different.
As my son was placed on my belly, the world didn’t fade away. In fact all I could think about was, “Holy shit, I’m a mother.” I felt my youth disappear as I was being sewed up. This little six pound thirteen ounce little boy depended on me for everything. Later I cried while thinking about our life together and the important people in my life he would never get to meet. I told him stories about our family and who they were, that way when he met them, he would already know deep in his heart how special they all were, just like he was to me.


A few weeks after being home, I remembered my promise to my husband. I would perform “special acts” for him, seeing how we couldn’t have sex for six weeks. When the time came, I didn’t do much, hardly anything for him while he rubbed my back, as I lied next to him. All I wanted was my back rubbed. He tried touching my breasts but they hurt, they were too tender. But the back rub, felt so good. I wanted to just sleep. Sleep, it would be nice to sleep, the baby is sleeping, and I should too.


Shortly after our non-existent ordeal, I decided I would take a look “down there.” It was my body, I have every right to. I was horrified. How on earth could my husband even look at me? I cried, I sobbed and I screamed quietly in my head. My heart plummeted as I felt even more unattractive then what I already did. When my husband came home, he asked to see. I was very reluctant to show him but after some tears and complaining on my part, plus encouragement on my husband’s I spread my legs and showed him, nervous, very nervous. He said it wasn’t that bad. So our life went on.


The day before my six-week appointment we decided we would have sex. I wasn’t sure why he would want to have sex with me. I was cut up to my clitoris and this is what had upset me the most. We decided we would go very slowly and my husband would be very gentle, I was afraid it would hurt. As we started, we realized it was ok. Then the baby started crying. We stopped. We got the baby to sleep and then started again. The baby started crying again. This time Chris went in to check on him. After calming him down, we started again. The baby started up again. I checked on him. He stopped. We started. The baby started crying, we went at it. He finished. I finished. We looked at the clock. My husband said, “Those were the best four minutes of my life.” It was quick but it was nice. We checked on the baby, we got him to stop crying again.


So what about those changes and fears I had? To tell you the truth, I’ve never enjoyed sex so much in my life. Of course now we are lucky to do it once a week and it’s a real treat to do it twice a week. But while giving birth vaginally something did change “down there” and whatever it was that moved or changed, caused me to enjoy sex much more then I ever had before.


Now that my son is nearly eight months old my dilemma is what happened to it all. If we do have the time to do it, normally all I want to do is sleep. Chasing around a nearly eight month old who is very active is tiring, not to mention there’s laundry, dishes, a dog, cat, cleaning and the endlessness of picking up, not only is it after myself, a destructive dog, an infant but a husband who sometimes I wonder if he gets it. As for romancing, I often ask what romance is nowadays. Every once in awhile I hope for a surprise, but normally it’s him rubbing my leg and touching my breasts. Don’t get me wrong when we do have sex I make sure most of the time I enjoy it too, but there are sometimes I let it happen and sometimes I wonder if he’s even interested in pleasing me or just getting off for himself.


Then there are the days when I really want sex like no other, and I think about my husband all day long. Unfortunately ninety percent of the time something happens and we argue. I don’t end up getting what I want. So frustrated I wait for another day or another time. Maybe I’ll get my hair played with or a back rub. That would make it nice.


Finally you have days where the two of you try too hard to make it happen, although the baby is fussy and won’t cooperate, he won’t sleep and when he does, you both are tired.


Sex after one kid is hard. It’s hard to keep a spark or get your partner interested unless you talk about it beforehand, which isn’t very enticing. For some I guess they don’t enjoy it as much but for me the act of sex I enjoy very much, it’s just the spontaneity that is gone.`

Grateful

I am eternally grateful for my friends.  This past week has been good, a few hiccups and I'm sure some of you know what they are.  I am not a person who has a lot of friends for the simple reason there's so few people who don't add drama to your life or make a mountain out of a mole hill.  For the friends I have I just want you to know I absolutely love you guys.  I do have so very few of you and just had a reality check why I keep so few of you.  Thank goodness!

Rachael - This week I'd go crazy without you.  You are down to Earth and overall just a good and wonderful person.  Who else would I skip going to the gym with in order to tan!  Tan or walk?!?  I'm glad you think the same as me and think TAN!!  Thank you for all you do!

Brooke - I don't think anyone could understand our jobs in the military like you and I last summer.  It was so nice to be able to have your support and to stand up to people when my job wouldn't allow it.  Thank you so very much!  I can't wait until you are back from Iraq!

Kari - You are genuine and are not afraid to tell it how it is.  You're realistic and crazy when we need to be crazy and laugh.  I love it.  Thank you so much.

Jeni - You are genuine and selfless.  You have nothing but good words to say about people and are always VERY optimistic.  

Footcrow - We haven't talked in forever but oftentimes I look back at the old days and just laugh.  I know if I needed to lean on you now you would be there for me.  Thank you so much.

Desi - You can light up any room.  I haven't talked to you in ages but will always have a place in my heart.

Emily - I don't really know you yet but you are by far one of the sweetest people I know and have such a good spirit about you.

Erin - You are the thoughts in my head.  If I think it, you end up saying it.  You are crazy fun and hilarious.

Hollie - I am SO GLAD you are my sister in law (well almost).  There isn't a nicer more fun person from California I'd want to hang out with and besides who else would I be able to live out my Nancy Drew fetish with.  :)

Lindsey - I wish you still lived in NY.  I miss you like crazy.  You cry with me when I need to cry and you laugh with me when I need to laugh.  You have always been there for me and I am so lucky to have you as one of my best friends.  Who else would fly to NY just for a day to throw me a baby shower and who was willing to do it a second time, without being asked.  You are so giving, you always sacrifice for others.

Renae - I call you just about everyday and somedays I have no idea what I would do without you, you are one of my best friends.  You are so realistic that I would go crazy not having you around.  You are real, not fake and are not afraid to say what you think is right or wrong and I appreciate that.  We have been through so much together I am grateful for you beyond words.

Dad - If you figure out the computer and learn how to find my blog, I just want you to know you set the standard for so many things in my life.  You have taught me how to be an adult and when it's ok to have fun and when it's ok to be serious.  I couldn't have asked for a better father.

Mom - Everyday I wonder how the heck you kept the house clean while we were children.  One of my fondest and earliest memories is of you teaching me the alphabet with flashcards you made.  I contribute you to leading me to graduate with my English Degree.  You spend those most important years with us, while dad was in the military and you taught us well.

Chad - I have never met anyone who is willing to give it all for someone like you.  You are very strong and very brave.  I couldn't have asked for a better example as a brother and this is why your nephew bears your name as well.

And FINALLY......

Chris - You have grown and changed so much.  You are a terrific father and a wonderful husband.  You have more patience then anyone I know.  I am so grateful and lucky to have you in my life.  I wouldn't trade you for anyone.  I love you forever.

Bradley - You are too little to understand the ways you have blessed my life.  Maybe someday you will, but everyday when someone says how happy you are for a baby or when I see you laugh it's a reminder of how special you really are.

I love all of you and I couldn't ask for better people and examples in my life.  You all have touched my life in a very special way and I want you all to know how much I appreciate each and every one of you.

Bradley's Week

Let me tell you Bradley has had a week that I just can't believe! My little bundle of joy is growing up, is VERY active, getting into everything and is well....just read on....

Sunday - went to church. Bradley was quiet during the passing of the sacrament, however was VERY interested in the trays. After sacrament he decided he wanted to stand up and no longer take his bottle. He would turn around and "talk" to the people behind him. My whole sacrament meeting was trying to apologize to people and pay what little attention I could. Ask me what church was about and my answer is....I have no clue.

Monday - I went to the gym. When I got home, he was choking on something he found on the floor. We chalked it up as fuzz or something.

Tuesday - Bradley pulled himself to the standing position and was holding onto the coffee table. He fell, hit his lip and cut his eyelid. I called the doctor they weren't worried, said he may swell a little and he may have his first shiner. Pictures are on Thursday. Of course this happened. Mother in law called, asked if she could live with us. I ran two miles at the gym. Came home from the gym to see Bradley stained in purple and Daddy with resolve in his hand. Apparently Bradley spilled Daddy's cherry coke all over the carpet, papers, magazines and himself. Daddy found him slurping soda off the end table. It was Bradley's first experience ever having soda. Bradley was very cranky. Mommy was cranky and tired.

Wednesday - Cranky baby. Had very poopy pants, have no idea what it was from, probably the fuzz. Daddy went to change his diaper on the floor, I was there to help in anyway. We lifted the poopy diaper and noticed, Bradley poop was smeared on our carpet. Resolve works wonders.

Thursday - The sweet little angel wouldn't take a morning nap. I tried to cuddle with him in our bed with his bottle. Bradley held his bottle to his mouth, drank some then stuck it in my mouth. He's very good at sharing with Mommy. Bradley continued to share with me until his bottle was empty. After about an hour he finally took a nap. Went to get pictures taken at Sears. Bradley cried. After he was settled and comfortable it was hard to even get him to smile once. Lucky for us we got a discount.

Oh the challenges of being a mother. I absolutely love them, although I am VERY tired right now, and it's not even 8:00pm.

My Goals....

Well my fitness trainer (Chrissy) had all of us write down what our goals were and here are mine:

1.  Fit into my size 10 cute white summer dress (I can zip it up now but it's hard to breathe and I have back fat).

2.  Look and FEEL good in a two piece (or ANY bathing suit).

3.  Fit better in my clothes and hopefully a few pre-pregnancy bottoms.

4.  Do either 5K or 10K at the 10Kan run (if I'm not pregnant)

5.  Feel good AND attractive about myself - weight was ALWAYS an issue, even when I was A LOT skinnier and in good shape.

6.  Go down a pant size.

7.  Have people surprised I'm a mom.

8.  Be hit on again - I lost it all when I got pregnant the first time and I don't think my husband even found me attractive and it's hard today to think he does.

Well word for word that's what I handed in.  I think it's good to post them, a constant reminder.  I'm focused and will be focused for awhile I hope....LOL  We'll see I guess.  

My Selfishness

Well pretty much since the miscarriage I have decided I'm going to focus a lot more on myself. I'm going to be selfish. Pretty much I'm going to the gym all the time, I've lost three pounds so far, I've been changing my eating habits and I've been tanning. I just got my hair done again and I'm looking forward to taking time to myself everyday. I definitely enjoy it, there's nothing more then that. I still want to lose twenty to thirty more pounds. I am also halfway out of the military. I've been released from ROTC and my unit is working on discharging me as we speak. I have made several goals for myself, my personal trainer at the gym wanted all of us to and at one point or another I'll post them, but not today. I also have written a story, true story, and at some point after much revision I'll post that too. But pretty much I'm focusing more on myself and I love it. I have been going to the gym almost every day (except Sunday) and doing whatever it is during the day to make myself feel good. I want to look rockin' this summer and it makes me wonder if I really want to start trying for our other baby in June or wait just a little longer, not much longer though.

Of course Bradley is still my little angel and he's growing in leaps and bounds. Currently he still pulls himself up everywhere and scoots to where he needs to while holding onto something, like the coffee table or couch. He also crawls like a big boy now and before I know it he'll be walking. He says, "Dad," "Dadda," "Mom," and "Mama," plus "Hi," but of course he doesn't know what he's really saying. Right now he prefers mommy over daddy and crawls to me, pulls on my pant leg when crying, will pull himself up my pant leg and just want to be held or played with. I'm so lucky to have a little angel like him and he truly is my little angel.

Chris is doing well, he has been studying a lot. I'm VERY proud of him. He now says he's hit his stride in school. I am very proud of him and very lucky to be his wife. I couldn't ask for a more patient husband then him and even though he drives me crazy sometimes in the middle of all of it he makes me laugh. I love him very much and wouldn't want any other husband.

Accomplished

If anyone knows me, I'm definitely a list person. Normally I don't get the list finished, maybe half if I'm lucky. Today I actually made a list of ten things and got them all done today!

1. Laundry - I started and finished all the laundry in one day! I actually am caught up on all of it and I have no clue what to do with myself!

2. Take trash out - Chris forgot to this morning so I did and it definitely made the kitchen a lot cleaner, not to mention I lost Leo in the whole process of it all.

3. Pick up living room - with an infant, one year old dog and ten week old kitten, this could be a challenge but while they were either outside (dog and cat only of course) and Bradley was sleeping, I actually accomplished it.

4. Dust downstairs - While Bradley was sleeping

5. Windex downstairs - Again while Bradley was sleeping

6. Vacuum downstairs - He slept through this one too.

7. Put dishes away - done.

8. Directions for Chris - I was supposed to be at the gym for an hour workout session today, so I pre-made dinner. I left directions for Chris how to finish cooking the rest of it, which was putting it in the oven.

9. Put clothes away - Just finished

10. Mail coupon list - sounds little but it would have sat on my counter forever if I hadn't done something about it.

Turns out I did have the time and motivation to go to the gym, trust me it hurts my biceps and triceps to even type this. Who knew those muscles were used in typing as well. Not only did I accomplish all of that, but I am writing a blog, played a lot with Bradley today, read him a book, until he started eating the pages, PLUS had my dad over for a visit earlier. It was great! Tomorrow it looks like it's going to be a busy day as well. I think I'll read for awhile.....crazy!